Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Wednesday Moan

A little update to let you know that impatience seems to have no effect whatsoever on the rate at which I start to feel better.  I am pleased that the reduced dose of meds is having the desired effect--but clearly there is an expectation in my heart that now I should be back to normal and doing whatever the hell I want.  

Ain't happening.  I am tired and weak--and an adventurous trip to the supermarket is out of the question.  I know there is a zen-like way I could be surrendering to this desire to rest (ie I could lie down and sleep without making a song and dance about it), but I find myself resisting and whining and struggling.  It's a good thing it's not winter, or I would have tried to put on pantyhose today just to prove I could still do it.  If I wanted.

This has got me thinking about rhythms when you are ill.  There's the dailiness of which meds when; of whether this is a nurse or  a not-nurse day; of whether the heartburn is typical week 3 post-chemo irritation.  It looks like my expensive shot in the ass knocks me out in predictable ways for about a week, and chemo knocks me out for a different week.

Thank God I'm only on 2 big things a month.  

 Getting used to these changes and learning to understand what they do--and do not--mean is a whole new thing.  I understand fully why the ancient soothsayers pawed through the entrails of chickens.  What does this new thing signify?  Do I need to pay attention to that belch or twinge?  Does it matter that if I'm going to have pain, it's more likely to start in the late afternoon?  

It's a fine line between attention and neurosis.  Maybe I'll just lie down on top of it for a while instead of trying to walk it!

I may get behind on phone calls and emails for a few days till I can get both eyes to consistently stay open at the same time.  Don't worry, though.  I haven't gone far!

1 comment:

angela bj said...

I'm learning a lot here, you? If you need me to bring over some chicken guts, you just let me know or we could just throw some bones for some good, clean fun. loving you!